Wrote this piece for ODB YMI.org
This is its raw unedited form.....
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How are you like when you are angry? Do you immediately lash
out at people around you? Others of us are the type that silently absorbs it
in, calm on the surface, but deep inside, a sparkplug activating the whole
mechanism of hatred whirring, accelerating. Some others, numb themselves then
when it gets too much, inflict self-hurt or run to their solace of their
addictions.
Think, then, were there relationships that were burned up
because of anger? Shipwrecked because one party was bitter?
Do you have outstanding, unresolved conflicts? There will
definitely be a high chance that unforgiveness is lurking in those storms.
Unforgiveness, I suspect, is no stranger to many of us. We
grew up with whole families of relatives that are cut-off from the rest of
family because of unforgiveness. We know of former romantic lovers who became
bitter nemeses, trying to outdo the other in tarnishing the other’s reputation.
We know of former co-workers or business partners all out to undermine each
other because of unforgiveness.
We probably have deep hatred for others as well! Enviously
wishing our sibling wasn’t so capable that we have to live in their shadow;
having had our family say hurtful words to us when we were little; being in a
family where one member was an addict, abuser, disabled or chronically ill
where we were sinned against or neglected or made the scapegoat unfairly.
I lived in
a family where bitterness and unforgiveness were the order of things It took me
my whole life of 28 years to forgive them. I observed that. Bitterness and
Unforgiveness are strange burdens to bear:
i)
Bitterness and unforgiveness feel awful but is
almost impossible to let go
Isn’t it strange that we hate to
be bitter (after all it’s the same word as the most repugnant taste!), but
strangely, we find the need to be near it. It feels like it sucks our energy
and “like rottenness to our bones (prov17:22)”
To confront a bitter person and
to tell him/her to forgive immediately, it would be met with stiff opposition
or hostility. Why so? If bitterness and unforgiveness is as unpleasant as it
is, why is it so hard to let go of?
ii)
Bitterness and unforgiveness is a choice.
There was once a mother who scolded her young son for harbouring a grudge
against his sister. Rudely he retorted “If it’s so easy, why don’t you forgive
your own brother?”. Shocked at his impetuousness, the mother reacted and
exclaimed “Never! Do you know what he did to me?” The child then asked, “then
how will you expect me to forgive sister?”
Rude and hurtful as the child’s response to his mother, he was simply
mimicking what he observed – that bitterness and unforgiveness is a choice. Unconsciously
or consciously, we choose to mete out unforgiveness as a form of ‘just
punishment’ on the offender. Someone has sinned against me, they must pay, they
must be punished.
Unfortunately, bitterness and unforgiveness is a punishment meted on
others but becomes a poison to oneself.
iii)
Bitterness and unforgiveness is fatal.
It clogs up your strength to live, it snuffs the life out of your soul,
it drains you emotionally, and it brings your mental fitness to illness.
Bitterness and unforgiveness, are weeds that choke up the whole physical,
intellectual, emotional, spiritual systems. However, we, knowingly or
unknowingly, nurture and fertilize these weeds. In putting our time and energy
to choose bitterness over forgiveness, we feed these weeds which ends up
choking us. In extreme cases, bitterness and unforgiveness literally end up
fatal, with loss of life. “Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to
sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. - James 1:15”
Who
then, do you have a grudge against?
Who
can’t you forgive?
Forgiveness
is the radical message that Jesus preached. His message jarred against the prevailing
worldview then, as now. Vengefulness is the order of the day. But Jesus
modelled to the end and even his lifewas poured out to show the impact
forgiveness has on the world.
The
only response to bitterness is to obey this very message Jesus died for. Forgive.
In my journey of forgiving, here are some observations and lessons to aid us in
our forgiving:
A)
Forgiveness is not difficult, it's impossible.
In my whole life of bitterness, I heard countless
sermons, read books, attended camps and conferences, have been gently or firmly
told to release forgiveness. I couldn’t and didn't want to. Not that it was
less awful for me, but I simply couldn't imagine where forgiveness was the
order of the day. There were feeble attempts over the years, and it would last
5 hours then come back with a vengeance.
Forgiveness is not difficult, it's
impossible.
And it required supernatural means to
enable a supernatural outcome. If you find yourself butter and unable to
forgive, humble yourself under His mighty hand… And cast your worries to Him
for He cares for you (1Pet5:6-7). Remember that unforgiveness is a sin and a
baggage that only the Holy Spirit in you can enable. Rely on Him while
surrendering your inability to be forgiving, daily.
B)
Forgiveness is easier in a safe,
healing-friendly environment.
Diane Langberg wrote in her book ‘Suffering
and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores’ that, from her
years of clinical psychology and therapy, she was consulted with a question on
how a woman living with her relentlessly violent husband, can't seem to get
over the trauma of his abuse. She wrote,”You cannot ‘get over’ something still happening.” Giving the example
of going through a severe bout of flu, with high fever, chills, sniffling nose,
you will do all you can to prevent it getting worse, fighting it, enduring it, protecting
yourself, awaiting the symptoms to pass so that you begin the recovery
work and regain strength. So it is when your bitterness stems from a traumatic,
abusive, violating way and still ongoing.
If the sin done against you is as such,
consider tweaking your lifestyle so that you have the safety and stability to
give forgiveness away. It may include living separately, or other action that
enhances your safety. In that safe space when it is no longer ongoing, it will
be easier to begin the forgiving process.
C)
Forgiveness is separate from boundary-enforcement.
Likewise, there are consequences when
mistakes are done. A person who repeatedly said hurtful words can expect that
those he offended will withdraw their friendship for a time. Someone who is
perpetually making use of his friends for personal gain, must expect that fewer
friends will want to interact with him if they deem that he drains energy or
time from them. Similarly, in the right order of things, there are times when
we must heal and also allow the natural consequences to be doled out, for a
season. As a father disciplines his children, certain times there are consequences
to a person’s actions. And forgive simultaneously.
What then, if my bitterness stems from
someone who has harmed me or committed a crime in the process? Forgive, you
must. But if a crime has been committed, you can also call the police or the
appropriate authority in your country or locality. Do remember not to do it out
of vengeance or revenge-seeking. Consequences is an effect when boundaries have
been crossed and trampled over. Yes you can forgive and call the police.
D)
Forgiveness is a day by day choice.
Aren’t there times we attempt to forgive,
but when some memory or trigger jolts us, we feel the wounds all over again?
Forgiveness is a constant, conscious, daily choice. Each time we are tempted to
withhold forgiveness and choose bitterness, surrender again and let His Spirit
in you enable and empower you again to forgive. Lord help us daily!
E)
Forgiveness is best done in a community.
The sin of unforgiveness and bitterness,
like all sin, takes root deeply and festers when we are isolated. Plug yourself
in to community, let your trusted leaders know you are struggling and dealing
with this sin, receive Christ’s forgiveness again and day by day, walk in
Christ praying for first, the desire to forgive, then, the empowering to
forgive, and then the action to forgive. Break bitterness as soon as you can! “Do
not let the sun go down in your anger (Eph 4:26)”.
F)
Forgiven people forgive .
The greatest way, and I fact, the only way is to believe God, that
through Christ we take on the identity of “forgiven” and by Him, we live out
that identity. Indeed, if we do not truly believe this truth, how are we to
forgive, it being an impossible task by our own strength except, thru the Holy
Spirit guiding in us, the life of Christ living through us and the Heavenly
Father’s love. So the way to forgive is to experience the forgiveness of God. A
saying is common in the social work/ counselling that hurt people hurt people.
Why don’t we start believing that forgiven people forgive.
LAt the end of the day, bitterness and unforgiveness lead to
a lesser, snuffed-life and immense pain.
While a choice, we must remember the cross. Where the Lord chose to pay the
ultimate price, his life, as a choice forgiving us all.
The following shows where inspiration for this article is
from. Encourage you to read them as they are fantastic for you own journey to
forgiveness
·
http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/battling-the-unbelief-of-bitterness
Battling the unbelief of bitterness by
John Piper
·
http://markdriscoll.org/sermons/i-am-forgiven/
I Am Forgiven by Mark Driscoll
·
‘Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma
Destroys and Christ Restores’ by Diane langbud
