addressing

was i blinded?

not literally.

but you know what i mean.

but.. blinded by what?

align="left">i still not sure myself.

was it the assignments, reports and tests (a great way to start the year) that were stressing me out?

was it a quarrel?

was it the fact that i am (and still) disappointed with myself, regarding issues yet to be addressed (and no... not the place of habitation) ?

was it tiredness?

numbness?

weariness?

was it cos i never set out to start what i had commited to do?

was it cos i have made some bloody wrong mistakes before?

why did i commit to this when i knew it would drain me?

why had i pressed on when people around me quitted?

why did i give up when everyone persevered?

what lies ahead for this ministry?

with figures of authority not setting THE example.

with no clear indication what is ahead.

with almost everyone outgoing or non-committed, or M.I.A.

while those FEW who remain.....

sigh

sigh

maybe my way of defence is to escape and not think about it.

or rationalise until things go in my favour.

talk about being in tune with God.

I wish i was.

like then.

or did it even happen?

i don't know.

i know where the problem is.

i know i gotta address these various issues of mine.

i know God has a plan for me.

i know this and that facts.

what do i do about it?

nothing.

in fact, gets worse.

but i am feeling better, as contrast to what you've just read at the top part of this entry. i was numb, tired, weary the past month. going thru day by day like an aimless scum wandering in the desert.... erm.. ok, not the best analogy to describe, but cant think of anything better.

i believe it's God's grace.

but it's time i REALLY stop taking His grace for granted.

and to also start to see His other aspects.

loving, caring, accepting,... the 'soft' side to God, and not only His graciousness and judgement.

someone recently pointed it
out to me........ ....... ....... .......

starting good... should finish good? right?

for me? no...

start good, finish lousy.

don't know what i am talking about?

neither do i.

oh, and a cliche for you:

"have a blessed new year ahead! i hope in the year ahead, you grow closer to HIM."

but... i really do mean it...