a disappointing sem

i guess, it was just entropy.
a lazy, slothful, ill-disciplined streak since young that turned into a lifestyle. and it's no one's fault but mine.

tho of course, the tendency is that i tend to grumble and blame my environment, upbringing etc etc etc... but i guess.. at the far back end of our minds.. we can complain all we want, but that rational logical part that's still left, says "is it? really?? u sure?"

gah...
i'm so disappointed. but. i chose not to do anything bout it.

in fact it got worst as the sem proceeded.
grades got worse. studying durations got shorter. stewardships of time and money got worse.

and if this goes on, it will only get worse.

and that's an understatement i suppose...

and the ironic thing is that, i started off this sem reading proverbs. where there are many proverbs about sloths and laziness and ill-discipline and nuahness.

and i took it as a warning.
but.

oh wells.

and right now as the sem closes before the exams... i've pissed my pract teammates off cuz of my own incompetencies, and ill-discipline.

what a great testimony. esp when ppl know i am a so-called 'active christian'. and esp when ppl know what my ministry (or for them, my cca) in sch is rite now.

esp this esp that.

and it brings it a few steps back.
it brings more potholes for people to poke and discredit our God. it gives them something to say against.

oh wells. if it's like that now.. i wonder how it will be when i work.




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just a random thing:

sacrifices to be made.
that's when you really question yourself. are you willing to sacrifice time at a weird time for someone you don't really know yet.
we ask for friends who will be there for us... i guess i'm far far far from that friend. i am willing. but there are buts.


oh wells. a world where we are all fishmongers. or fishermen's friend for that matter.

we sell fish.

ironic isn't it? we sell fish, but we're all called to be fishers of men.

hmm.
for the really blur: sell fish = selfish